Funny Weather
by Charra Loon
Summary: Mei volunteers Hanzo for a charity function, but neither of them expected this! Part of Hanmei week, prompt: hurricane.


It was the worst hurricane to hit the small chain of islands, and Hanzo and Mei saw on the news the numerous charity events made to help the people who lived on those islands. So many people were without basic necessities—food, water, shelter...Lena came across them as they were watching the news coverage.

"Bloody hell, is that the hurricane aftermath?" Lena asked.

"It is." Mei said. "Terrible, isn't it?"

"Sure is—my girl Emily's hosting a charity event to help the survivors. She's looking for volunteers to help out, so I was wondering..."

"We'd love to help, wouldn't we Hanzo? Oh...that is...I mean, I wasn't—"

"It is all right, Mei." Hanzo said. "I know you did not mean to speak for me. Who else is helping, Tracer-san?"

"Oh, I got all the blokes—Lúcio, Reinhardt, Genji, Jesse, even Zenyatta! I tried to recruit Torby, but Emily said he wouldn't be needed. I can't understand why not, he's got as much muscle as the next guy."

"Very well. What is the worst that could happen?" The day of the event, Hanzo and the other men were at the catering hall grouped into a room. They met Tracer's significant other Emily, who rushed to get them into formal wear much to theirs and Tracer's confusion.

"Emily, luv," Tracer said when they were all dressed up. "Aren't you worried they'll get those tuxes all messed up?"

"That may or not happen depending on how the auction goes." Emily said.

"A charity auction!" Winston said. "What are we auctioning? Donated art, pieces of an estate?"

"Actually...you guys are the ones being auctioned."

"WHAT?!" All of the men shouted. Hanzo looked at her in shock.

"I thought slavery was illegal, Emily-san." Hanzo said.

"No, no, not that sort of auction." Emily said. "The event's a bachelor auction, didn't Lena tell you?"

"No. She neglected to inform us of that detail."

"But it explains why you said Torby couldn't help!" Reinhardt said laughing. "Can't put a married man on the auction block, after all."

"Lena?" Emily asked. Tracer was gaping, stunned. Emily sighed. "You didn't pay attention when I told you about this event, didn't you?" Before Tracer could answer, Hanzo grabbed the former pilot by her lapels and pulled her to his face.

"How can you neglect to learn about this?" Hanzo said.

"I'm sorry guys!" Tracer cried. "She said it was an event and she needed men, I didn't think she meant a bachelor auction!" Hanzo just growled and threw Tracer to the ground, glaring at her.

"When this is over, I am going to kill you." He then stalked off, the other men following except for Winston who stood there in shock.

"Winston? Are you all right, big guy?" Winston responded by fainting.

* * *

The auction was becoming a success, and the other men did have some fun with it from Reinhardt showing off to Genji preening in ways Hanzo hadn't seen since their younger days. Winston fainted again when it was his turn, and Tracer ended up bidding for him. Out of guilt, perhaps, at her negligence. Lúcio was a little hesitant, but he took on the event with grace due to it being for charity. Even Zenyatta and Jesse were taking some part in it, only Hanzo was apprehensive. Finally, it was his turn. He rolled his eyes as he took his spot on the auction floor and paid little attention to Emily marketing him as a successful hunter and some skill.

"All right, ladies, get your purses!" Emily cried. "We'll start the bidding at a hundred pounds!"

"A hundred pounds?!" Hanzo said. "Emily-san, you would price me at such a pittance? Do you think so little of my value?" Emily didn't say anything, just gave him a sidelong glare. The bidding started, and Hanzo couldn't help but comment on every person who bidded on him from the socialite ("Two hundred pounds from the Barbie doll in the third row!") to the elderly matron ("Ahh, three hundred from the dowager in the fifth row!"), it was like starting his own personal hurricane. Hanzo found he was having fun with his comments; some of the ladies responded positively, others were offended. Either way, it was quite the stir until...

"Five hundred pounds!" Mei shouted from the crowd. Hanzo tried to think of something, anything, but was silent. Emily smirked at him, relieved at the lull of comments he had been delivering since coming up.

"Five hundred pouds from the lady in the front row!" Emily announced. "Do I hear six? Five-fifty?" She paused for a moment. "Going once, going twice...sold! To the lovely lady in the front!" Hanzo was still silent when he made his way to the back to wait for Mei. He didn't wait long, she was right there not long after and they left as soon as she paid.

"So..." Hanzo said as they walked out of the hall, the auction was winding down now that the last bachelor was sold. "Whatever shall you do with me?" Mei gave him a smile as she stood on her toes to meet his eyes.

"Oh, I have plenty of ideas for that." Mei said, and Hanzo smirked. "In eight weeks, we are going to pack enough rations to last us three months and head into the Amazon where we'll explore climate fluctuations and how they affect the rainforest." Hanzo looked at her—not what he expected, but he didn't mind wilderness survival with her. Or of helping her with her climatology work.

"Is that all, my _takara_?"

"Well...that and Tracer's life. She made a mistake, and that's not worth dying over. As you know very well."

"That...is a very good point. A small thing to pay five hundred pounds for."

"Oh but it's not. Besides," Mei hugged him around the waist. "If I wanted what you were thinking of, I could have that anytime—for free."

"Heh. One never knows what can happen in the Amazon for three months."


End file.
